What a blur the past few months have been. I went from being in a pretty dark place to starting to feel like I'm finding my place. I'm finding my brave and my place to thrive. I went from being at the point of giving it all up, to doing things in a way I've never quite accomplished before.
What changed? Good question. A large part of it was hitting absolute rock bottom (again!). I finally managed to get access to ketamine treatment at home. The initial protocol wasn't quite right for where I am at this moment. Once it was switched, things got drastically better. Yet, I've had ketamine before and never quite managed to make it to where I am now.
I attribute that to two things. First, because I am able to have ketamine locally now, I am able to get it in a more consistent manner. That is definitely making a difference. Attending the Healing Together conference, presenting at it, and being in person with people and friends like me/us was incredible. I fed off that energy. It ignited a spark within.
And so I returned to working one day per week as a therapist. Ironically enough, I didn't want to work with trauma at this time. I'm glad that I didn't remember that the population I am currently working with has a very high trauma rate, which I knew. It was the only clinical job that I applied for. I was mainly looking for per diem casework jobs. The universe is funny like that sometimes.
I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be. It will not be a linear journey. I know that, even as many inside my head are screaming that we have more than paid our dues. A client reminded me yesterday to go slow with her, so I backed off on the assessment and spent more time just getting to know her. It was a poignant reminder for me. I get so caught up in my head, in doing things the right way. I am an overachieving perfectionist, who wants everything done right and early. With my client's words, I remembered to stay in the moment with her and just be. The documentation could wait. Her needs where what mattered and she was absolutely right, not just for the session, but for life in general.
There is a comfort and calmness in my life at the moment that I have never experienced. It's nice. I am savoring it and trying not to get lost in my head. I am reaching out to those like me. I have local friends supporting me, ones who are at a distance support me virtually too.
I am still facing a lot of uncertainty, which makes me anxious. But for now, I can handle it. My path is very different and winding. At times it is very colorful, yet other times it is darker than can be described. I'm still here. I'm strong. I've got this. And so do you. If you don't feel like you do, trust me I know how you feel. I hear and validate that because it has so often been my experience.
Hold on as best as you can, however that looks for you at this time.